It's interesting, the internal sensations that drive us. The temptation to rest, to relax and enjoy life. It's a constant siren and an immediate relief.
But in addition to that, there's the reminder. The urge to write, to continue building something greater than myself like so many others out there right now. And while it feels great to relax in the moment, almost narcotic even, there's still the tiny whisper in my head, the subtle whispers of guilt that drag me down from the high of relaxation to the dreary reality of the path.
If I don't do what I'm supposed to do, if I don't walk down the path I set for myself, I feel like shit. Absolute, total crap. It's a mental dogpile that reminds me that there's something else I should be doing with my time. A different dragon I need to chase and build via both my job and my stories.
The only time this doesn't happen is after a day of hard work. Whether it's during my first job at the test lab or during my second job with my writing. If I wake up and get to work, if I do what I know I'm supposed to do, once the day is done, it feels great.
After a day's hard work, where I genuinely tried and gave it my all, the rest that comes after that is fantastic. It's a Thanos sitting on the farm after Infinity War level of realization. It's a "hey, I woke up today and gave this day my all and there's nothing left for me to do other than to enjoy the boons of my surrounding reality. For I had earned that relaxation."
It's a genuinely great feeling and it's something I hope a lot of you feel out there.
And yet as great as this feeling is, the inverse of this, the relaxation that comes along with me shunning what I'm supposed to do, is almost crushing. Not on its own. It's not an absolute pressure coming down to punish me for my non-discipline driven sins, but it's like a constant white noise ringing in the background of my mind.
The disappointment that comes when I'm not doing what I know I'm supposed be doing sucks. It keeps me from actively enjoying the moment (which perhaps I deserve in shunning my duty). But ultimately, it's not the best. Rather, it sucks.
I don't know why I'm like this and I know this is a feeling that didn't really develop into what it is until I started walking the path, but no matter how it originated, it's something that's there. Maybe its original state was the angst that came when I wasn't certain whether or not I'd walk the path of self-actualization. Maybe it's neuroses and I'll be one of those eccentric writers. Who knows, truly, it's anyone's game. But no matter how it originated, I understand what fuels it.
Did I do what I'm supposed to do today? Did I do my best? If yes, I'll enjoy the rest of my day and it'll be a good one. If not, well then enjoy your serving of existential angst. It's great. And it sucks. But at least it's simple, and I can work with simple.
So far, I don't think I've touched on or discovered anything novel, rather I'm just trying to articulate my thoughts into some form of cohesion. And to provide future readers with a chance to see inside the process of where I'm at, at any point in my writer's journey.
As of the typing of this, I'm on Chapter 25 of 28 of Gloradel. I have one last day in June to submit to my first agent and we'll see what happens. And nothing's guaranteed in life. I know what I have to do, and I know the stakes if I do what I'm supposed to and what happens if I don't.
Fortunately, each day is a new day. A new opportunity to roll that Sisyphusian rock up that hill. And whether it rolls down or not, however high I get on that eternal hill, is due to how much time I spend doing what I'm supposed to do.
Because everything is temporary. Everything ends. And all we'll ever have is the time we're given.
And while this has taken a somewhat dark turn, a mix of eclectic thoughts that I hope doesn't come across as pure narcissism, I do genuinely love writing. I like it, I love it down to the core of my being. I love the craft of it. I love the bettering of myself of it. I love the journey. And I love that if I keep chipping away at it, one day I'll be able to share my stories with the rest of the world.
And end of the day, that's all that matters.
Anyways, that's all I got for today. Thank you all for your time, and I hope you all have a great rest of your day!
Sincerely,
Josh Acocella
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